Oneway road
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Minagawa reflects on her affections for Yuki and after several years, comes to face the reality of her fears...


Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Fruits Basket.  
  
"I will not lose to anyone else."  
  
This was the mantra I prayed each day after crying in front of Yuki that day. I told him that I would change and that I wouldn't lose.  
  
Even if there was a place in which I knew I could never go inside, this place inside of his heart so hidden, I too would change. This change happening without me knowing.  
  
A place that I couldn't ever reach.  
  
It truly did hurt to know this fact. I had done nothing but watch him from afar.   
  
Whether or not this was good, I didn't know. All I knew at that moment that I ran away to that tree was that I was ashamed for a lot of things that I had done.  
  
The mask of confidence was actually fear of being taken away from the person whom I treasured most.  
  
I didn't dub him as prince.  
  
He just fit the role.  
  
One-way road.  
  
by miyamoto yui  
  
I was trying to write lyrics to a song that I had made days ago. As I nibbled on my pencil, there was a gray haired boy that passed by the field below me.  
  
I blinked at him as he kept his hands inside of his pant pockets. He was looking at the ground as if pondering something.  
  
After he had passed by, the wind blew and I found myself dropping my pencil.  
  
I was also blushing.  
  
Stupidly, I shook my head and patted my cheeks. "It's too early in the morning."  
  
It seemed like a dream to me, and I had planned to keep it that way.  
  
But in a way, it did stay that way for always.  
  
As long as I kept away from him, then I wouldn't have to defame him with my ugliness. The imperfections that shouldn't have been shown to the likes of him.  
  
After all, the woman that should fall for him and that should have her feelings returned by him, she should be extraordinary. Well, that was the obvious expectation.  
  
Could I possibly be that way?  
  
I wondered about this and whenever I saw him, my heart would literally hurt.  
  
To cover my feelings of doubt, I asked around about whom would like to join the Fan Club of Prince Yuki. Only those truly devoted could be inducted formally.  
  
I was president, of course.  
  
Except, when I would stay up late at night closing my eyes, I would have a blurry picture in my head. I still hadn't learned anything about him.  
  
Being president was a title.  
  
As if _I_ had any authority over anything...  
  
That rule about not touching him or this rule about only talking to him when there was a group present...  
  
It was all a cover to hide everything.  
  
Then, that momentous day when I had found out that he liked eating fruits, I wanted to offer him some instead of chocolate on White Day. But as I looked at him with all these other people going up to him, I thought it was silly.  
  
I ended up eating from the basket I had spent the night before weaving. It wasn't the most well crafted basket, but if he could realize how much effort and love I had put into arranging both of them, then maybe he would have understood.  
  
That was a little girl's innocent love for someone.  
  
The one where she accepts everything without questioning. For, the love she has imagined is pure and untainted.  
  
There's no imperfection.  
  
There's no room for that.  
  
I held my head up, but that day, I remembered when I looked down at the floor before me. I looked up to find him in front of me as the sakura flew outside the window.  
  
"Yuki-kun?" I had asked him.  
  
I never forgot that day as long as I've lived. It was the first day he talked to me. The first time that he had smiled in my direction.  
  
"He's so cool," I thought to myself. At the same time, I was so proud of making his personal fan club.  
  
But as the months passed, years began to go by also. And I found myself saddened by my graduation rather than being happy that I was leaving.  
  
I would get mad at my mother for having me a year earlier than him, but she wouldn't understand me. If I had a choice...would I have wanted to be in his year so that I could be with him?  
  
So that I would have been able to see these changes that happened while I wasn't watching?   
  
Until now, I honestly don't know.  
  
Then again, I would have been equally saddened if I came a year later than him. I would have had one year lessened to look upon him.  
  
And then, at that moment when I thought it would be mine...  
  
I blew it.  
  
I didn't want Honda Tohru around him.  
  
She was taking him away and changing him more than I could have ever done.  
  
I didn't want to defame with my imperfections, but in doing so, I lost my most precious treasure. He would always remain that prince that I couldn't touch.  
  
The one who's heart I would never conquer.  
  
Where did you learn to smile that way?  
  
And then, with his kindness, he thought he had hurt me.  
  
If only he had known my shame of being the green-eyed monster, and I had hurt him by doing so. In my jealousy, I would never have him regard me the way I wanted.  
  
He was trying to tell me he had his shortcomings and I answered that I was also awkward sometimes. But how could I possibly tell him how much I loved him?  
  
How could someone love someone so much and expect nothing in return? How could I look at him in the face with all the ugliness that was within myself?  
  
And yet, I did.  
  
I didn't want him to see me as weak as I was.  
  
I was scared to show him how much I cared for him even though we had only exchanged only a few words.  
  
I smiled at him as I told him, "I won't lose to anyone" when I graduated. Leaving, I had my head up high.   
  
Looking back, I stared at him as he bowed his head a little.  
  
Cool as ever, dear Yuki.  
  
Years later, I still tried to fight this war deep inside of myself.   
  
The day I had understood that you were the only prince for me, it was also the day I realized that I could never love anyone as much as I would love you.   
  
Though love comes in different forms, I knew that I couldn't lie to myself anymore.  
  
Even if it wasn't meant to be, I would accept this fact.  
  
I lifted up my hand and knocked on his house today to find Honda Tohru answering the door in an apron as I could smell the dinner cooking from inside.  
  
"Ah, Minagawa-sempai. Thanks for coming to visit."  
  
As she stepped aside to let me in, I shook my head. "I'm sorry, but I'm in a bit of a hurry. I would just like to leave something for Yuki."  
  
"Hai," she said as she bowed and left to get him.  
  
As he walked to the doorway, I couldn't believe how much time had passed between us. And yet, I still felt like the girl in high school that dropped her pencil while watching him in awe.  
  
The aura of calmness and grace all around him had never changed.  
  
He smiled as he greeted me. "Hello, Minagawa-sempai."  
  
I laughed as I shook my head. "We're not in high school and yet we still call each other this."  
  
Yes, why am I here anyway?  
  
I took his hand and gave him a cream-colored envelope. "I had to give this to you."  
  
Embarrassed, he blushed as he took it into his hands.  
  
"I wanted to say congratulations for passing college. That's all."  
  
Even until now, I was lying to myself in a small way.  
  
I wanted to see you so much, Yuki...  
  
"Thank you very much." He then invited me to come inside for dinner.  
  
Lifting my hand, I answered, "Sorry. Maybe some other time."  
  
At that, I turned around. "Thank you for accepting my letter, Yuki."  
  
"I'll see you again, Minagawa-sempai."  
  
I nodded my head as I walked away. I looked back when he had closed the door. It was then that I found myself crying as I ran away feeling like a young girl again.  
  
"Dear Yuki,  
  
There are many things I want to say, but I can't find the words to write them all down. I can't write everything. It's just too much.  
  
When I looked back that day on graduation, you smiled at me.  
  
But you were much farther away. In a place that I knew I could never reach no matter how hard I would try.  
  
In this clear fact, you have taught me that I should never give up. I should always try my best.  
  
For if I had been courageous, that smile would have truly been for me.  
  
And I would have received it graciously because I deserved it.  
  
Yet, I find myself unable to say that. There are many things in life you believe in and in that alone, you must trust.  
  
For me, that is you.  
  
Though I cannot be the one to share these experiences with you, I drift further and further away. It becomes too painful to believe like a beautiful rose with all its thorns making my blood drip on the white floor.  
  
Wanting to be so close, only to be pushed so far away.  
  
I hope someday I will become the person that could look past her own insecurities to be able to tell you to your face how much she loves you. That you are the person I cherish above all others and how much I've prayed that you will accomplish all your dreams.  
  
I will change and you will change even more.  
  
If I cannot see these things, I'll no longer see the Yuki that I once loved. He will have already changed from the memories I've kept, even if that was the 'true' him of that time.  
  
I don't think I will be able to face those realities because I wasn't the one there to see them or special enough to be able to change you to become even 'better' and more wonderful. With that, I realize that I've tried my all and my very best, but it is not enough to be the one for you.  
  
Goodbye, Yuki."  
  
I knew that if I didn't leave soon, Yuki would have shouted after me and I would have fallen in love with him all over again. I would have been happy that he came after me.   
  
There was still a chance on my part, but it was wrong. I would have learned nothing if I succumbed to my love again.  
  
I didn't lose myself after all these years, but I lost him completely...  
  
And, forever...  
  
Ironically, I could now see his smile in my mind.  
  
"If we're not meant to do what we want, then were we to want at all?  
  
Why...oh why must we love the photograph that we have inside our heads instead of what's in front of us?"  
  
I looked at the road that led to Yuki's house and smiled with all my tears falling from my eyes.  
  
I took it all in because I knew that I would never see this path again.  
  
Owari.  
  
--  
  
Author's note: I had a writer's block and I've yet much material to go in reading and watching. So, I had thought of starting with a Kyo fic or a Hatori one, but I found myself identifying more with Tohru and this girl that liked Yuki so much.  
  
There were many things I had my heart broken for while watching as much as it being warmed up. This girl really hit me.  
  
Weird as she was, I realized that she was like every girl: an oni and yet so maternal. Jealous and yet creative. Admired and admiring, yet never feeling as if it's enough.  
  
Sad as it may be, I didn't like this characterization of her 'self-denial', and yet, the sincerity cannot be overlooked. 


End file.
